A Season of Intentional Healing and Discernment

The title of this post is also what I have started calling the time I am trying to carve out of my life right now. I am taking some time to do a lot of very intentional journaling, reflecting, visioning, and creating.

This morning I did a little journaling and reflection and felt like sharing it. I wrote a little about what God looks like to me today. My idea of God has changed a lot over the years. It has become almost impossible for me to believe in my old imagery- an old, white man in the sky handing down commands. And after the disillusionment I experienced around that idea, it became very difficult for me to even say “God” comfortably. More recently, because all my old constructs around God have fallen away, I’ve been able to imagine God more as an experience than a personified being. That’s kind of what I wrote about today.

September 12, 2019. 7:32am.

I think it’s going to be a good day. I’m up early, I feel well-rested, I have my coffee, and when I sat down to journal, I saw a golden lab squatting to poop.

Today’s intention: Stay present. Eat when I’m hungry, rest when I’m tired. Do the day’s activities in full awareness.

What does God look like to me (today)?

God, to me, is a an open field we all come to. We bring what we need and what we can spare. And God warms us and surrounds us with light. We’re free to participate, to withdraw, to connect as needed. There is no worry or fear in God, only heartfelt concern for our neighbors. We are at peace in the knowledge that all shall be well.

In the real world, there is not always comfort and light and a safe place to lie down. There is not always an opportunity to rest and connect when we need it. In the world outside my imagination, there is necessary suffering for almost every good thing.

There is the suffering we choose- running and training our bodies to be stronger, staying in to work on an assignment, putting money in savings and sacrificing a wanted thing.

There is also the suffering we don’t choose- not all of it necessary, but unavoidable. Grief, hunger, fear, cold, sickness, even simple discomfort, and loneliness. These things have always been humanity’s companions on earth and always will be, as far as we can see.

So who or what is God in the midst of our suffering?

I think God is still all those things I mentioned- the warmth, the light, and the connection we experience. The needed rest and stillness. But God is also Wisdom to know the way back. Hope that there is a way through hardship. Gratitude for whatever flashes of peace we’re able to experience in a day.

In this world, there may be times in life when people find it extremely difficult to experience God, because of trauma, walls of safety we’ve had to place around our pain, the barriers that have been put up around us by others, or other tough circumstances. These things don’t keep us from being able to experience God, but they can make it harder, especially without help. Those of us who feel called to share God and help others can try to offer God to others through different means- warmth, light, fullness of stomach and spirit, a hug or a gentle smile. A listening ear. We work together to seek the knowledge that helps us do this- studying psychology and medicine, tracking trends, and trying to find and break down the constructs that cause harm- so that God can expand in this world. I think many of us feel called to extend the light in some way.

There are some people in the world who experience God in abundance, and they may not look like what you would initially imagine. They might not be wealthy, attractive, well-known. They might not have aesthetic Instagram posts, big savings accounts, or large groups of friends. (Or they might have all these things.) They may have experienced a great deal of pain, but they have a deeper inner peace and joy that is not dependent on circumstances. It’s probably hard to tell on the outside when someone is living in this way.

Experiencing God in this world may not necessarily be about creating the right circumstances. The perfect worship set. The perfect house. The perfect partner. The perfect wardrobe. The right income.

It might be enough to just notice God. To crack open the closed up places and let more of God seep in. To sit in silence and stillness and acknowledge God in us. I think these things are what we are really seeking in this world. The experience of God is the Essential, whatever that may look like for every different life.

The Last Sunday

Backtracking and sharing some of my unfinished writing from my YAV year, because even though that year can be hard for me to reconcile in my memory, it deserves to be shared about in all its imperfect glory. This one was saved unfinished August 17, 2017.

 

The Last Sunday I was at Bridgeton St. Francis in the East Church, I had the privilege of addressing the congregation one last time in the form of two short “talks” which took the place of the sermon. I chose this scripture about Abraham, because it talks about going on a journey away from home, which is what I did when I left home last year and what I did again when I left Scotland just over two weeks ago.

Genesis 12

12 The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.

² “I will make you into a great nation,
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.^[a]
3 I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you.”^[b]

⁴ So Abram went, as the Lord had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Harran. ⁵ He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had accumulated and the people they had acquired in Harran, and they set out for the land of Canaan, and they arrived there.

⁶ Abram traveled through the land as far as the site of the great tree of Moreh at Shechem. At that time the Canaanites were in the land. ⁷ The Lord appeared to Abram and said, “To your offspring^[c] I will give this land.” So he built an altar there to the Lord, who had appeared to him

After the scripture was read by my friend Maida, whose 80th birthday invitation helped me feel more welcome in the community, I got up to do a short activity with the young people in the church. I had one of them wear a blindfold while the other two gave him directions to walk to where I was in the room. The point was that sometimes we go blindly towards things with nothing to guide us but a confusing and unclear message to follow. Here is what I said to the congregation…

God calls us to do tough things…

Has anybody here ever done something that they think they were meant to do? That you were called to do?

Was the thing you were called to do difficult? Were you scared at all to do it?

Maybe you have felt called to do something like… give money or food to a neighbor in need. Maybe you have felt called to create a certain piece of art. Maybe you have felt called to move somewhere new or switch careers. Or to tell someone you love them.

Calling doesn’t always feel like a voice speaking to you… sometimes it’s just that small idea in your head that you should do something and you just can’t shake it until you go through with it… For example, God called me to be a part of a campus ministry during the years I was in university and when I answered that call, I made great friends at that ministry. God called me to work as a camp counselor for three summers and during those summers, I met some of the greatest people I’ve ever met in my life.

I was also called, like Abraham, to leave my country and my people to be a Young Adult Volunteer in Scotland for a year. I didn’t have any idea what would happen when I got here and I had lots of fears… I was afraid of being too cold. I was afraid that it would be so dark all winter that I would start to be depressed and miss the sun. I was afraid I would not get along with any of my flatmates and be lonely. I was afraid I’d never figure out the public transportation and I’d never be able to go anywhere. I was afraid I’d never remember any of the names of the kids at Church House or be able to understand what they said. I was afraid I wouldn’t be smart enough to do any of the things I needed to do here.

But I went blindly into the unknown and God has blessed me greatly, just as you will receive blessings when you trust in God and answer god’s calling for you in your life.

I don’t know where God will call me to go next, but I am ready to answer. The fear will still be there, but so will the trust that God has provided for me this year and God will continue to provide all the love and support I could need.

The congregation sang a hymn, and then I gave my second talk. This time it was a poem that I read while going through a presentation of some pictures from this year. I can’t really share the slideshow because it has lots of pictures of kids from Church House in it and I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to share those, but I will share the poem that I wrote as long as you promise not to take it too seriously.

This year I went over to the land of the Scots,

And while on my flight my stomach was in knots.

Who would I know, what would I see?

Only God could know what would become of me.

I soon found a home, cozy but big

I quickly got comfortable in my new digs.

I found lots of food to enjoy and to share

and the city was lovely, not to be compared.

The church building was nice

And my new job? I could take it.

And the beautiful scenery, no one could fake it.

But the best part of Scotland isn’t the West Highland Way or the pavlova or chippies or the strange things people say…

It’s the people who make it, the people who stay

In Bridgeton, Milton, Castlemilk, and Possil. It’s the people of Glasgow who are worth all the hassle.

There’s Lynn who keeps us right, she’s just like a mom

My fellow YAV sisters are the bomb.com

The people at St. Francis turned out to be great

I hung out at the Guild and got free tea and cake!

My pals over at Church House, I am so grateful for

They make it hard to close this year’s door.

The young people at Church House who I was so glad to meet

Now I’m so sad to leave them, I may start to greet (that means cry).

People Make Glasgow is what they all say

I know this is true, I went there from the States.

So now I bid Glasgow a parting ado

Please don’t forget me and I won’t forget you.

So that’s kind of cheesy, but the church really enjoyed it. I finished up my time speaking with these words, which I think were the part people were talking about when they told me what I said was “touching.”

God called me to Scotland and asked me to leave my home because God knew I’d find a new home here… new grans and grandpas… new brothers and sisters… dozens of children to love… And so with my last opportunity to speak to you this year, I want to say thank you for being my family…

Thank you for talking to me on Sundays at tea time and asking me how I was getting on.

Thank you for sharing your cakes and sweets with me.

Thank you for giving me gifts and cards at Christmas time so I wouldn’t feel like I was alone.

Thank you to Howard and Sandra for inviting to Christmas dinner with your family because I couldn’t be with mine.

Thank you for letting me sit by you on Sunday mornings.

Thank you for the opportunity to help teach in Young Frankies and for sharing your children with me this year.

God told Abram when he answered God’s call that he would be a blessing. I hope that I have been able to be a blessing to you all while I have been here, as you have been for me. When Abram arrived at the land that would one day belong to his descendants, he set up an altar. An altar is something you build to remember and honor God in a place of significance. Abram built his altar from stone- I have built something different this year in this place of significance- I’ve built a community of people who have cared for me, I’ve built an altar of words that I’ve spoken, I’ve built an altar from the creative ideas in my head. In Scotland, I leave an altar built in honor of the Lord and of this special time and place in my life.

And finally, the part that REALLY made me cry… I had been holding back tears all week, waiting until I couldn’t hold them back anymore, but this was the moment. The very last Sunday I spent at home at Timber Ridge we sang a song in honor of my commissioning to service in Glasgow and, on my request, we sang that same song on my last Sunday in Bridgeton. It’s called “This is My Song” and in both circumstances, it was about me leaving my home and my country behind to go where God was calling. I can’t post the video here, because I don’t want to pay for the Premium plan for this blog, so I will share it on Facebook and hope that we’re friends.

Finale

Backtracking and sharing unfinished drafts from my YAV year. This one was from June or July 2017.

 

Thoughts on leaving the country and an update on everything I’ve been up to for the past 2 months… sorrynotsorry.

Several weeks ago in May lots of “last things” started happening. I had my last session with the Parent & Toddler group I’ve been helping with all year. I finished up my last day working with Young Frankie’s Sunday school class at church (we finished with a puppet show about David and Goliath). Regular programming ended at Church House and I said goodbye to some of the young people I would not be seeing in the summer. It was at this point that I started realizing that it was almost time to go and that I needed to start thinking about how to let go and move on from these people and this place that I’ve gotten so comfortable in.

Residential

Summer programming started off at the end of May with a residential for the Primary 6&7’s (Like 5th and 6th graders). This was a great way for me to kick off the summer, because I had been missing camp so much and wishing I could just spend some time outdoors. The first day of residential we went rafting on a loch. I honestly thought that this would be uninteresting to me compared to river rafting trips I’ve been on, but the leaders knew lots of tricks to make it really fun and the kids loved it. We camped out that night and had a barbecue and I was happy to utilize my skills at fire building to make a campfire happen so the young people could try out some proper American s’mores… unfortunately, at this point the midgies had begun to swarm and it was really difficult to be comfortable with them sitting all over your face and hands biting you. I resported to using my T-shirt as a sort of face mask I could barely see through. But the kids were troopers, and stuck around to make s’mores even after the midgies started landing on the sticky marshmallows.

The midgies made it more difficult to do certain activities and have fun, but that didn’t stop the majority of the young people from playing Assassin (It’s hard to explain, but it’s like hide and seek on crack) for the majority of the evening. Camping was a success and the next day more adventure awaited in the form of a “water park.”

I put “water park” in quotations, because what I think of when I hear those words and what we went to are entirely different. It was a bunch of inflatable stuff on a loch- there was one of those giant blob things that throw people in the air, a trampoline, and some stuff that was nearly impossible to climb onto without help from a very strong adult. Luckily, I was there :). You know that scene in Captain America: Civil War when Steve Rogers is holding a helicopter to keep it from flying off the edge of a building and the camera zooms in on his biceps? That’s what I felt like as I dragged one inflatable towards another so that a couple boys could jump onto this giant see-saw thing. So I got pretty into the water park stuff, despite the fact that the loch water was distractingly cold.

Braving the campsite and the cold water earned everyone a cozy evening at a hostel, complete with a hot lunch and chippies and Chinese for dinner. Also, pro-tip: If you’re ever stuck in a room full of 11 and 12 year olds and need a way to keep them reasonably calm and entertained for several hours, just play Mafia.

On Day 3 of our adventure, donning our wetsuits for a 3rd time, we all ventured into a gorge to do an activity I had never heard of before coming to Scotland… gorge walking. It’s kind of like rock hopping, except you actually get in the water instead of just hopping across the rocks. At one point there was a place where the water was deep enough that the young people could take turns jumping in from different heights. For most of them, it was probably their first time doing anything like that and a really big adventure. Almost as adventurous as having to change clothes in a field afterwards.

The weekend ended with everyone gathering in a circle and passing a length of string around to connect us and remind us that we would never all be together in that place under those circumstances again and it was something to cherish. We all got to keep a piece of the string as a bracelet and I’m still wearing mine. So that was a great week.

Summer plans

For the rest of the summer, each of the different age groups gets 2 sessions a week in Church House and a fresh air day when they get to go outside. Then every other week, if they come to all the sessions they get to go on their group’s trip. So I had to plan 3 of the sessions this summer for the Primary 1,2,&3s and, to be honest, planning sessions has been something that’s been really challenging for me this year. It really isn’t a super difficult thing and I haven’t done it very often, but every time I have it has been very stressful for me. I don’t know why it’s so stressful for me… I think it’s because I want to make sure it’s going to be perfect. If I’m going to do what is essentially someone else’s job, I want to do it right and to a high standard.

So the very first day of summer programming we started off with a session that I had planned. And when I say planned I mean stressed over and thought about nothing but the plan for at least a month straight. And guess what? It turned out fine. The kids had fun and everything ran smoothly and that’s all that really matters.

The Great Outdoors

I think the best thing about summer programming has been all the extra outdoor time (I even got a bit of a tan!). On Tuesdays at Church House I’ve been helping out with a munro challenge group the past few weeks. In case you don’t know, a munro is a hill that is over 3,000 ft in elevation and there are 282 of them in Scotland. The kids in this group are learning about navigation , first aid, survival skills, etc. so that they’ll eventually have the skills to make their way up a munro with very little guidance. They start at 9am and don’t return to Church House until 5pm, so it’s a long and challenging day for them and the leaders. So far with this group, we’ve navigated our way around Mugdock Park with compasses and maps, summited Ben A’an, and walked a decent portion of the West Highland Way. I’ve been so blessed this year to be in a placement where I get to see so much more of Scotland than I would have had the time or resources to see on my own.

Belfast

Rachel and I took a holiday in Belfast in July and here are some photos and videos about that… My favorite parts of being in Belfast were eating at the Dock Cafe, which is a pay what you can cafe in the Titanic Quarter, and just walking around in the city centre.

My Last Week

This week was my last week in Church House. I finished my time off by doing a trip with each group. Monday, the

I’ve had a cold this week.

I Can Walk 96 Miles, But I Can’t Write A Blog About It

Backtracking and sharing some unfinished drafts from my YAV year, because even though that year was tough for me and a lot of writing went unfinished, I want to share what I can with others. I only ended up writing about the first 3 days of my WHW walk during Summer 2017, but that’s still pretty good.

 

So, about 2 or 3 months ago I was hanging around at Church House, thinking about what I would do for an entire week of holiday by myself in Scotland, and I decided I would walk the West Highland Way. I’m not usually great at decisions, but the moment I thought of this, I knew it would happen come hell or high water.

At the tippy top of Conic Hill- might have been my favorite view of the trip.

 

When I told people about my endeavor, they would inevitably say, “By YOURSELF?!?!?!” or, “Are you sure that’s safe??”

Going by myself was really exciting for me. I thought it would be a great time to reflect and be independent, plus it’s way easier to meet new people when you’re by yourself. I actually ended up spending very little time alone, but I’l get to that.

To prepare for my trip, I made a packing list way ahead of time and used an itinerary suggested in a book about backpacking the WHW. I also made copies of and laminated the maps from that book, because my biggest worry before leaving was that I would get lost.

Day 1, Sunday, April 30th

The day I set out was ridiculous. I was up too late the night before and I’m ashamed to say I was not packed yet. So when I started putting stuff in my pack, I realized for the first time that I couldn’t take everything I had originally planned. So I took some stuff out. I weighed my pack and had a freak out about it weighing over 40 pounds when I had read online that my pack shouldn’t weigh over 30 (this person didn’t know what they were talking about). Then I lost one of my walking boots and asked Ekama, who was the only other person home at this time, to help me find it.

It was about 11am when I said to Ekama, “I have got to get out of here. There is no way that I can not leave today.” So I took my 39 pound pack and walked out thee door. Ekama made me smile for a picture, despite the fact that I didn’t really feel like smiling.

I found the bus stop I needed and the sign had the times listed for “60/60A,” so I hopped on the 60. About 45 minutes in, I started to realize that I should have passed by Milngavie already. I asked the driver about it, and he told me I should have gotten off a long time ago and switched over to the 60A. He told me to stay on and he’d take me back around.

So there I was, sitting at the terminus for half an hour after getting on the wrong bus, and, at the risk of oversharing, I will tell you that my sorrow was increased by the fact that I had needed to pee since I left the flat. It was torture.

 

 

I put on my West Highland Way playlist, reminded myself that “All I Do Is Win” and that I should paint with all the “Colors of the Wind,” and resolved myself to be happy. But, good God, did I have to pee.

FINALLY, the bus got going, and,luckily, there was a gas station near the spot I had to get off to change buses. Indecent exposure situation avoided.

When I got on the right bus, a nice lady saw that I had my backpack with me and offered to show me where to get off. At this point I decided to start keeping a tally in my notebook of kind people I met on the way.

“Excuse me, could you take my picture, please?”

There will be selfies

The first day my plan was to walk 10 miles the first day to Drymen Campground. I started around 1pm, and had no idea how long it would take me. I never worried too much about getting there in time, because the sun didn’t set until at least 9. The start of the Way was really populated- even more so then the rest of it.

I hopped on this swing in someone’s yard for a second…

Signs like this were along the entire Way

One of the most magical moments of my walk was when I passed through a gate in a stone wall and found myself completely alone in the most beautiful, open scenery. The feelings of adventure and freedom I experienced throughout my trip were magnified in that moment. That moment was what I went out there to experience.

When the world opened up

Pictures of strangers… because people are more interesting than grass

A few hours into walking, I decided to take a break and have a snack at the next nice spot I saw. There was a cottage in the distance with a stone wall by the path that I could lean against. When I got a bit closer, I was disappointed to see that there was already someone sitting there having a snack. I was going to move on and find another spot to sit so I wouldn’t disturb him, but then I thought I’m not going to let some man keep me from sitting in the best rest spot for miles. What I said out loud was something more like, “Mind if I sit here for a bit? I don’t want to disturb your solitude.”

So I sat down and started chatting with this tall, bearded man with a funny accent and an unidentifiable vegetable for a snack. I found out that he was from Berlin and had originally planned to walk with a friend, but that his friend (who had also planned the trip) had broken his ankle a couple weeks before. So Sebastian, not wanting to waste his holidays, had gone by himself  and had an extra heavy pack because of it.

When we got up to leave I thought that I should give him a head start so there wouldn’t be that awkward moment of him having to pass me up, but it turned out we were both happy to have the company.

I saw ponies

This is Sebastian

We got to the campsite  in plenty of time. To be honest, I was so intimidated that first night by the other people who were camping. I felt a bit like I didn’t know what I was doing and all those people must do that sort of thing all the time. Neither one of those things was true, but they contributed to a somewhat anxious first night. It was also the worst nights sleep I had all week.

There were chickens and horses at Drymen Campsite, but I was too tired to take pictures of the horses

My refuge

Day 2, Monday, May 1st

I woke up excited and ready to go in the morning. I even took a freezing cold shower, because when you pay 5 pounds for a campsite, you take advantage of its facilities. Sebastian and I decided to walk together again on the second day and we started off at 9:30am with plans to walk 14.5 miles to Sallochy campsite in Rowardennan.

This day was tough, because there was a lot of steep uphill and my legs were already tired from walking up Ben Lomond the Saturday before I left. We got to the campsite at 6pm and it was a very relaxing night. There was one guy at the campsite who decided to take a dip in the loch for a few seconds- I was tempted to do the same.

Take care- sheep are vicious

WHW symbol

Taking a break by a stream

The stream (and Sebastian)

Snickers: The official sponsor of my walk

So. Many. Hills. And rocks.

Loch Lomond from Conic Hill

At the tippy top of Conic Hill- might have been my favorite view of the trip.

Waling down from Conic Hill to Balmaha

There’s a gate in this picture that strangers had to help me haul my bag over, because it wouldn’t fit

Sheep babies

I fed one duck and made two friends

Pot Noodle ad

Day 3, Tuesday, May 3rd

The third day, we got a slow start and didn’t head out until 10am, which would have been fine, except that Sebastian’s knees were in so much pain that he couldn’t bend them past a certain point and hills were killer. So we were slower that day and we reached Inversnaid Hotel around 4:30. Sebastian had to quit there and go try to recover for a couple days, so I was alone again for the first time in 3 days. I didn’t think I would cry until I was actually alone, but I couldn’t help but cry when I said goodbye to Sebastian. As  I walked on alone, trying not to cry, a couple saw me and asked me where I was going. They seemed very concerned about the distance I was planning to go that evening and also about the fact that I seemed to be emotionally distraught. I wiped the tears and walked on.

Eventually, a man who I had spoken to earlier in the day, who happened to be going to the same campground as me for the next two nights, caught up with me. I was feeling pretty lonely after Sebastian left, so I was grateful when he changed his pace to walk with me. Steve wasn’t carrying a bag (his feet had blistered the first day in), but he started having to work pretty hard to keep up with me as I hopped over the rocks by Loch Lomond like a mountain goat. I was nervous about reaching the campsite before dark.

I’ve Done Some Cool Stuff Lately

I’m backtracking and sharing some drafts I never posted from my /yav year, even the unfinished ones. This is one from just a couple weeks after I walked the West Highland Way Summer 2017.

I’ve been putting off writing this blog (schocker), because it would take me weeks to write down everything I’ve felt, seen, and thought over the last few weeks. Especially because a few weeks ago, I did one of the most adventurous things I’ve ever done- I spent my holiday walking the West Highland Way, a 96 mile route that goes from Milngavie to Fort William and I walked it in 7 days.

The lead-up to this walk was somewhat comical, because every time I told someone I was going to do this walk they said, “Oh, who’s going with you?” Then, when I told them I was going alone, they said, “ALONE!?!?! Are you sure that’s safe? Can’t you get anyone to go with you?”

Well, now that I have been securely installed back in Glasgow for 2 weeks, I can assure all the worriers that, yes, I was quite safe and that I was never alone for more than 3 hours.

This adventure is really difficult for me to write about, because every single day could be it’s own blog post and every single person I met could be there own post. And I want to write those blogs… but I have, like, and hour to do this and my laptop is already dying and I don’t feel like moving to a table with an outlet.

I think the most adventurous and brave part of walking the West Highland Way was deciding to do it in the first place. After the decision was made, there wasn’t anything that was going to stop me from finishing. I’m not usually a decisive person, so this represents a milestone in my young life. Even when I decided where to go to university and where I would spend my YAV year, I was wrought with indecision well after the deadline, but this choice I made with certainty.

I learned that the view is always worth it at the top of the hill. I learned that my choices, however small, have a very direct effect on my future circumstances, and that even small choices should be made with some consideration.

Insecurity and Self Love

I think we all struggle with insecurity, but we so often feel like the only one- I know I feel that way sometimes.

 

I can’t be certain, but I think I might be one of those people whose life you see on social media, or even sometimes in person, if you don’t know me well, and maybe you compare yourself to me and you think, “She has it together.”

 

No, she does not have it together.

 

What you don’t see are the hundreds of nights I’ve spent crying either because I didn’t like my body or didn’t think I was smart enough. Or because I was feeling anxious even though it didn’t make sense that I would feel that way. I’ve cried because of situations with my family, stress over money, and because I’ve procrastinated everything until two hours before the deadline. I’ve cried because I didn’t know what some guy thought of me and I’ve cried because I’m tired of giving a sh** what anyone thinks of me.

 

And now I have this job in ministry… and it’s the weirdest thing. Because now I often feel like like there’s this expectation that none of that exists. And if it does exist, I have to put on a happy face and pretend it doesn’t. Maybe no one expects that, but I, for some reason, have started to expect that from myself.

 

My reality is I am human. I am flawed. I can’t do it all. And, no, the next thing I’m going to say is not, “but Jesus can.”

 

I can’t do it all…. And it’s okay. Or maybe it just won’t get done. Or maybe someone else will do it.

 

I am insecure, but I love myself for everything I am. I don’t always feel the love, and it takes a lot of self-evaluation and positive thinking to get to a place where I love every piece, but when I get there, I am more able to bring others alongside me and that is what I most want to do.

Me (left) in a picture that makes me feel insecure.

Me unabashedly loving myself today.

Can we just be real? And show our brokenness? And be honest about who we are and what we believe and not fear each other’s harsh responses?

You are okay. You are enough. You are worthy of love. And on days you forget, reach out to the ones who love you when you can’t love yourself. Sometimes you need them, and that’s okay, too.

Lists

I’m a list person. I take listing very seriously- I even have a notebook entitled “My Lists.” So here are a few things on a few of the lists I’ve been making in my head for the past several months to keep me from having to write too much about my feelings at 3:21 am the night before I leave Glasgow.

Things I love About Glasgow

• Dogs everywhere
• Kelvingrove Park
• Buses to everywhere
• Really great people #peoplemakeGlasgow
• Walking down Buchanan Street
• The people at Bridgeton St. Francis in the East
• All the young people at Churchy
• Friends I’ve made
• The accent

 

Reasons why Ekama is great

• Laughs at all my jokes
• Tells me I’m great
• Let’s me sit in her bed and talk about my feelings
• Cooks a lot of delicious meat
• Dramatic
• Hugs me sometimes even though she doesn’t like people to touch her

 

Things I Will (Probably) Do after Leaving Scotland

• Sleep more
• Get a chocolate shake and Frenchie Fries from Pal’s
• Apply for jobs
• Road trip to visit friends
• Have a root beer float
• Have a Cheerwine float
• Lots of family time
• Consider getting rid of some of the piles of stuff that have accumulated dust the past year
• YAV Transition in Colorado!
• Get a haircut from someone who is not me
• Drive e’rywhere ’cause I miss my car
• Be frustrated about not knowing what things will actually cost before I go to pay for them
• Use the word “wee” too much
• Complain about humidity (while secretly loving it)
• Miss people
• Hang out in my hammock

 

Things I’ll Miss about Scotland

• Tea
• The awesome sauce people at Church House
• The views #majestic
• Coming home to my fellow YAVs and feeling like our own wee family
• Riding the bus
• Pubs
• The inexpensiveness of Primark
• When the machines at Tesco say, “Please take your change, especially notes.”
• people, people, people
• Little towns to explore

 

Reasons Why Rachel is great

• ALWAYS willing to listen to you talk about your day
• More practical than a driving exam
• Occasionally cracks up at unpredictable events (ex. wearing PJs to Tesco, my inability to take anything but selfies when using a Kindle as a camera)
• When she has nothing else to do, she makes up something to do and it’s usually cleaning or baking
• Remembers things so I don’t have to
• Let’s me take naps on her bed

 

Reasons Isabella is great

• Always prepared for a hug
• Easily influenced into staying out later
• The messiness of her room validates the messiness of my room (even though mine is worse)
• Makes a joyful noise when she sings
• My dance moves are contagious when she’s around
• knows how to make the Sauce

Ways I’ve changed this Year

• Newfound love for tea
• More awareness of my need for REST
• 100+ new people I love
• One new country I love and a new city I call home
• Learned a few more chords on the guitar
• Learned to like peanuts
• Have gone solo backpacking
• More confident in myself
• Deeper understanding of what I want from life
• Slightly better at plans
• Slightly less fit

 

Ways I Haven’t Changed

• Still bad at plans
• No “real” job,
• Only speaks English (and a little Glaswegian)
• Consumes a lot of sugar
• A little addicted to TV
• Constant, random singing
• Procrastinator ( especially when it comes to writing)
• Room always messy

Reflections on a Pilgrimage

I think I kind of get it. I get why Iona is such a special place for so many people. It’s not just hype, although, if you’re not careful, you might build Iona up in your head to the point that you find it a disappointing place.

I don’t know how I feel about the term “thin place”- those places where heaven is said to come close to earth. It doesn’t really fit in with my idea of heaven as a place intertwined with earth, on the same level as it, but higher in the sense that it is necessary to access something “higher” in yourself to experience it.

I’ve been to a few places that were considered “thin” before, the most well-known being Montreat Conference Center. My own favorite thin place is probably Holston Camp, where I went as a kid and worked for two summers. And, of course, you can also experience this “thinness,” this closeness to heaven, when interacting with certain people who make you feel closer to God or Source or whatever sort of “higher” purpose you long for. The song “Sanctuary” comes to mind. It’s one of my favorites- I learned it at camp- and the lyrics go, “Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary.” It’s basically about being one of those “thin” people who bring heaven closer to others. I’d like to be one of those people.

Iona reminded me a bit of Montreat and Holston. Especially when we had the privilege of entering spaces that were reserved for those who are residents of the Abbey, whether they were volunteers, staff, or visiting for a short time. The MacLeod Centre dining area was my favorite. The art on the walls, the people laughing and drinking tea, and a steady undercurrent of community and loving energy made aware that I was sitting in a special place where relationships are built. A place where communion- the breaking of bread together as an act of worship- happens every day.

Aside from all that hippie-dippie-spiritual-feeling stuff, the structure and routine of Iona set you up to easily switch to a “higher” mindset, considering your actions in light of your responsibility to the wider world. One of the most inspiring and memorable moments for me was speaking to Christine Jones, the member in residence at Iona for the week we were there, about what it means to be a part of the Iona community. She mentioned the importance of being responsible for your time and resources and this reminded of the responsibility I have this year to make the most of my time and resources as I serve a purpose (and an organization) larger than myself.

I received an email from the Presbyterian Office of Public Witness that quoted the Book of Order and I feel that what it said really resonated with me and this idea of responsibility….

“Membership in the Church of Jesus Christ is a joy and a privilege. It is also a commitment to participate in Christ’s mission (through): proclaiming the good news in word and deed; supporting the ministry of the church through the giving of money, time, and talents; responding to God’s activity in the world through service to others; living responsibly in the personal, family, vocational, political, cultural, and social relationships of life; and working in the world for peace, justice, freedom, and human fulfillment,…”

The Book of Order (G-1.0304: The Ministry of Members)

Being in Iona, surrounded by community and spirituality, reminded me why I came to Glasgow. It reminded me that I’m a part of so many things bigger than myself- God, the Church, the PC(USA), Timber Ridge Pres, the YAV program, Bridgeton St. Francis in the East Church, Church House… Remembering that I am part of this bigger picture inspires me to let go of feeling like I have to be perfect and just be who God created me to be to the best of my ability for the very short time I have left to be in Scotland.

5 more weeks, y’all!

Stay tuned for fun pics, including attempts to be a mermaid and Ekama running from a Highland cow.

Hardest players on the team.

The hostel reminded me of the Burrow from Harry Potter- we cooked all our meals in this kitchen

Marilyn Monroe chair

Cool wood-burning stove, piece of junk guitar.

This is Noel, our pal who came along on our trip and made us the most lit Indian food for dinner.

This is a cross full of prayers from one of the worship services we attended in Iona

We went to worship each evening and morning

The SANCTUARY

The house where the “vollies” or volunteers lived.

Some ocean

Some more ocean

The fam on our pilgrimage through Iona

On our pilgrimage, we stopped at this spot, the only crossroads on the entire island… what a metaphor.

Yes, we are mermaids

Casually trying to be like Jesus

St. Columba’s baes

St. Columba’s Bay

LOVE these gals

St. Columba’s Bay

A cow moved towards Ekama

Just a field where sheeps live

Thanks for reading 🙂

Peace and Love,

Olivia

Thoughts on a Sunny Sunday Afternoon

It’s after 5 on a Sunday and here’s my window… you see that sunlight? It’s a big deal. Not only because the sun is out after 5, but also because we’ve been told that sunny days can be rare in Glasgow (although the last week would make a person think otherwise). The sun is also a big deal to me because I’m pretty sure I’m photosynthetic and get my energy from it.

Rachel and I just went to Kelvingrove Park where we sat on a hill and I ate my lunch among the hordes of people sunbathing, playing frisbee, waling on slacklines, kicking footballs (soccer balls), playing with their children, and grilling food. We then walked around the park and down the road a bit, and, man, am I so glad to be exactly where I am today. I’m grateful for the sunlight and for getting to break out my Chaco sandals, even if my feet are still a little chilly. I’m grateful to be somewhere far from home fulfilling my dream of exploring the world. I’m grateful for the man singing and playing guitar on the street outside so that the sound floats gently through my window along with the breeze. I’m grateful that there’s always work to do to keep me busy. I’m grateful that things in my life aren’t perfect so that I can find more gratitude on days like this, in which I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I spend a lot of time thinking about my next steps, but my reality is that I’m more of an explorer than a planner. I think about moving to California to become an actress or to Hawaii to work on a farm. I think about following my friends to work in Spain or going to Portland to be a barista. I think about moving to Asheville to work with the homeless or staying in Scotland because it will be so hard to leave.

I’m a dreamer and in my dreaming I often forget to appreciate where I am. But today it’s easy. So today on this sunny Sunday afternoon, I’ll sit right here for a little while, because there is work to be done and I am happy I’m alive and well enough to do it.

This afternoon I’m working on my plans to hike the West Highland Way. It’s a 96 mile walk and I’m going to attempt it in 7 days. I’m also working on some other stuff that is less interesting and I won’t tell you about because, honestly, who knows if I’ll actually get to all that on a day like this?

I’m looking forward to this week, because the schools are out for two weeks and Church House has a special spring programme (program). I get to work with all ages of kids, and we get to go outside this week! Ekama is coming to help out for the next two Tuesdays, and I’m so excited for one of my flatmates to experience a day in the life of Churchy.

I hope everyone at home is enjoying the spring weather as much as I am and finding gratitude in the little things today.

Peace and Love,

Olivia

Just a Stranger on the Bus

Hello Everyone, I woke up at 7am this morning feeling super motivated to write something down and catch you up on what I’ve been doing. The sun is coming up earlier and earlier lately, which means that I wake up BEFORE my alarm. This is a huge change from the 4pm sunsets we were having a few months ago.

So I have a story to tell…

A week ago I was sitting at the bus stop, when I saw this family walking up. They were a family of 5- a mom, a dad, a girl, a slightly younger boy, and a wee boy in a stroller. As we were sitting and waiting, the children kept meeting my eye and smiling at me, so I asked them if they were headed to church. They responded that they were on their way home from church and the little girl told me how she’s made £3  that day selling rubber band jewelry at church. Her mother smiled knowingly and said the girl had started a little business. I told her, “You’re going to be a great business woman one day,” and she smiled at this.

The young boy showed me the small stuffed bee he had with him and told me how he takes it everywhere. I told him I thought it was cool. As the bus rolled up and we all got on, the children said to me, “Can you please come to our house today?”

I couldn’t. I had to go to my own home. On the bus, I sat down in an empty seat and the two children followed me and sat in the surrounding seats. Their parents didn’t seem to mind. I asked if they were from Glasgow and they told me that they were from Nigeria, but moved to Scotland so their mother could get a PhD. “You have a very smart mother,” I said.

I told the children I have a roommate who is Nigerian and was born in the UK, but now is from Texas. The little girl asked me if Ekama has any African clothing. “I think she does,” I replied.

“Do you think it’s weird looking?” she asked me.

“No, I think it’s beautiful.”

“Oh, some people think it looks weird when I wear my African clothing.”

“Sometimes when something is different and people don’t understand it, they get scared and call it weird. But it’s a good thing to be different.”

She smiled at this, then said, “I like your American accent.”

“I like your accent, because not everybody talks like you.”

Before getting off the bus, the children said goodbye to me and the little girl surprised me by hugging me. Their wee brother in the stroller waved at the driver as he was backed out of the bus, saying, “Bye! Bye! Bye!”

What a surreal moment, I thought to myself. What openhearted children.

I started thinking to myself that I hoped to be as open and loving as these children were. They reminded me of Jesus. They had started a conversation with a stranger, invited me to their home, said kind things to me, and sat by me on the bus. I felt like I was their friend and I’d only known them for 10 minutes. And they had given me a reminder of the beauty of diversity and the importance of acceptance.

Then, I started to sing to myself, as I often do, the words to a classic Joan Osborne song…

“What if God was one of us?

Just a slob like one of us

Just a stranger on the bus

Trying to make his way home?”

This is not the first time I’ve sung this song to myself on the bus ride home. I realized I had met God on the bus that day in that little girl with the open heart, whose name happened to be Emmanuela.

I see God everywhere in Glasgow, and She’s not always in the places I would expect. Riding the bus has been a surprisingly good experience this year, as it puts me in contact with people in a public place on a daily basis. Spending more time around people sets me up to experience God more often, so I’m grateful for my 30 minute commute.

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In other news, I want to let you all know that I am enjoying my time at Church House and at Bridgeton St. Francis in the East Church. I am now helping with 7 different groups throughout the week in addition to assisting with Sunday School.

I’ve been taking steps toward helping the church start up a Messy Church, which is a type of church service that happens at a time other than Sunday morning and includes games, crafts, all-age worship, and a meal. Our first Messy Church event is set for April 22^nd and we are just hoping people show up and have a good time!

Church House is currently looking forward to having a garden in front of the building for spring, and the Sunday craft group I’m helping with started putting seeds in little planters in preparation for this.

Last week Rachel’s parents and sister came into town and took us all our for Indian food. It was great spending time with a family- especially a family that made all of us feel like a part of it. Having them here reminded me of all the people back home that we represent here.

Knowing there are just over 4 months left to be here has got me super motivated to make the most of it (as does the return of the sunlight). I want to experience all I can, learn as much as I can, and give as much as I can. I think the best is yet to come in Glasgow.